May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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