I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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