Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At least make sure they are 18
Why
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
