dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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