"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
