He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I supernannyed him into submission
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
