i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
