I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
