EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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