Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
