that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
