I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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