I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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