I met the friendliest cop last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
