I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
