Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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