if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
