just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
