birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
