The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
