so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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