did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
