question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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