fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
