girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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