I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize