I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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