Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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