It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
