My first STD was from a foam party
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
