I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
