mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize