Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
