you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
