Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
