My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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