The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
