I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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