Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
