please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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