so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
