the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize