Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
