there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
