You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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