Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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