Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
