Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
