3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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