I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
