One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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