the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
