I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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