I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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