It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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