What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
