i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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