We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
