I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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