I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
