I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize