Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My vagina just clenched in fear
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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