So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
