Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
