on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Still dying that you shit outside
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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