I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
