my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize