i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
