my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
