i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
